Only two more days of work and off to neverland for 2 weeks. I feel so f*&(*^ng tire I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Still hate the holydays but have to love the cold mornings and rainy days...I bought a notebook to start writting stuff...maybe I still have it, not sure, but I am going to find out.
Calling V all week but not luck...hint, hint, hint...
Saw a low budget film call Forbidden Warrior is a refrshing movie, nothing to write home about it but if you are bore(as I was) is an OK movie about a choosen one(not Neo) who must learn about her destiny.
Since these next weekneds are Holydays have to call my party at Ponce to see if they want/can play if not I will visit some friends that I havnet seen in quite a while..hint, hint, hint...

Is that time of the year that make me want to crawl under a rock and stay there until the rotting stench of my flesh wakes me up. Is the time to share the joy with the family that I dont have beside my mother and father. They are the only ones I consider relatives so instead of feeling all warm inside all I can do is think what will happen when they are not there?..who will care when they are no longer beside me? loneliness is a beautiful sensation except when it start to eat you from the inside out. I was born to feel alone, to never have the satisfaction of knowing completness, to know there is something missing but never being able to find it.


Misplaced
Sonata Artica

(Tony Kakko)

Sometimes I feel so out of time and place, trapped in a maze
As if I was lost in someone else's life...
The values I should keep in high regard don't mean a thing to me

Do you ever feel a need to go back in time? A dream of mine...
To travel far away and one day steal back my life
In the end all I can do is to learn I live in a dreamland

This time was not made for me,
I have nowhere to land, no place to rest,
Like a bird, without a nest, I'm gliding
Under the clouds, forevermore

How much suffocated anxiety can be held within?
I was found guilty to a crime against myself.
No need to hear the words again,
I live and I'd die for my dreamland

This time was not made for me,
I have nowhere to land, no place to rest,
Like a bird, without a nest, I'm gliding
Under the clouds, forevermore

I'll never have a chance, I can't understand
I'm a misplaced man
How could this backward land
Learn to understand my dance
What it's like, when every single smile hurts...

I have never felt like home here
Always missing something
People aren't connecting
Am I a misplaced soul?

I live in a perfect Hell, I try finding my wishing well
when I drop my last tear, I have accepted this life

A true saint, that I am not, you have never seen me
'Cause I have always been there, standing by your side

I'll never have a chance, I can't understand
I'm a misplaced man
How could this backward land
Learn to understand my dance
what it's like, when

Every single moment pains me...
Never felt like home here
I am missing something
My soul's in a wrong shell





Yes I am this crazy after all the crap I took a Nerd test

0ne Month Later

Quick status:
--House: the same, the contractor is missing in action I only wish that whatever happen to him I can be there to see it. Did som Xmas decoration.
--Work: Completely piss at it. Nothing is fair and my search for a new job is great if they pay what I want, but apparently everyone want to be cheap assholes
--Relationship:...Still having fun, not thinking about it too much, getting by

I am very disappointed with the house or maybe with the whole situation. I love to be on my own and enjoying the privacy + freedom. But the troubles with the contractor had left a bad taste that is being very hard to get out of my mouth. I havent bought a thing for the house in like 3 months and I havent done the garden in 2 month. I think the neibors believe I am a pig...who cares. Hopefully I will be out of comission fron december 23 until january 9..I know is only two weeks but that is 7 days more than I usually have. My big plan is to sleep, sleep and read. I have no plan on doing to much. Game in Ponce is going ok I have another player so back to the drawing board to get him into the campaing...waitting for Kymil to make a special apearance(maybe). On the plus side the weather upthere is great for staing in bed under the blankets...alone ppl dont be naugty. My bitch gave birth to 5 puppies but 2 have already left us. One of the puppies is pure white...I CANT HAVE MORE DOGS!!!! keep saying that to me whenever I mention herbeauty.

1/2

Would you dare to live half a lie to get half a life? would you deceive enough to get by feeling alive? Would you tell someone the glass is half full when it was you who drank the half that is missing? I am playing a game, dont know how far I will go but for now I feel alive for a few minutes a day. I can scape from the routine of daily life and transport myself to a cloud of no worries. Where I dont even consider the fall. And if I can take someone with me in that journey...where is the damage. Let us fly until the song ends.

On other more normal thingies...I went to Ponce on Sunday had a blast. We played for almost 7 hours straight. We didnt even break to eat. The fighter is making lots of progress in the roleplaying area. The Priest I will make into something usefull. The mage will break or break no second guessing now. And the newest member, the Thief, looks like the leader of the pack. There were twist, turns and of course the old "how did you felt for that". Over all it was a great experience hopefully V and S will be able to be part of it. I found my first D&D notebook...damn I had a lot of spare time.

I am leaving P.R. for 4 days. Going on Friday be back on Monday. In case anyone try to call...DONT.

Happy Halloween

For me Halloween is what Xmas is for almost everybody. I get more satisfation looking at spider's web, haunted houses, skeletons and the like than I get from epileptic lights and fat snow men dress in red. Because this night like myself can go either way...you could go trick ot treating the whole night or you can look for a nice groove and do rituals...I am not saying I have(but wont denied it either. So for all the outcast out there Thanks for mot making me the only one


Masquerade, masquerade
Grab your mask and don't be late
Get out get out well disguised
Heat and fever in the air tonight
Meet the others at the store,
Knock on other people's door
Trick or treat they have the choice,
Little ghosts are makin' lotsa noise
But watch out. . .beware--listen. . .take care

In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or paradise
Ah--it's Halloween
Ah--it's Halloween. . .tonight!

Someone's sitting in a field,
Never giving yield
Sitting there with gleaming eyes,
Waiting for big pumpkin to arise
Bad luck if you get a stone,
Like the good old Charlie Brown
You think Linus could be right
The kids will say it's just a stupid lie

But watch out. . .beware--listen. . .take care
In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or paradise
Ah--it's Halloween
Ah--it's Halloween. . .tonight

Listen now--we are calling you. . .
And there is magic in the air
Magic in the air. . .
on Halloween

Black is the night full of fright
You'll be missing the day
What will be here very soon
Changing your way
a knock at your door
Is it real or is it a dream
On trembling legs you open the door
And you scream. . . .on Halloween

Darkness
Where am I now
Is there anybody out there
What has happened
Am I in heaven
Or is it hell
I can see a light comin'
It's comin' nearer
It's shining
It's shining so bright
It's shining on me

I am the one, doom's in my hands
Now make your choice,
Redeemed or enslaved

I'll show you passion and glory
He is the snake
I'll give you power and abundance
He's the corrupter of man

Save me from the evil one
Give me strength to carry on
I will fight for all mankind's
Deliverance and peace of mind

But watch out. . .beware--listen. . .take care
In the streets on Halloween
There's something going on
No way to escape the power unknown
In the streets on Halloween
The spirits will arise
Make your choice, it's hell or paradise

Ah--it's HalloweenAh--it's Halloween. . .tonight

Waiting for the weekend

Hopefully this weekend I will be able to play D&D in Ponce. If the powers that be don't intervene like always. I have put some time into it just in case Kymil decides to drop by. Yesterday I spend the day working with two outside programmers..What a rush. I work like 10 hours but they went by flying. I actually fun to do brainstorming with minds alike. We even got to lunch together..It was refreshing. House....Don't ask, I am suppose to wait 2 years to sell but everyday I get more convince that I should just sell now and get the hell out of there. But sometimes I am so happy to be far away from family that it is a blessing.
I am suppose to be going on a training to Tampa on February 2006, maybe I will plan a trip down(or up) to Disney the week after the training.
Why am I so right for people but cant find the right one for me?

Kingdom For A Heart
Sonata Artica
(Tony Kakko)
What the hell are you standing there for, expectingme to help you, when I'm down myself
Waiting my savior, my world is flooding over,
there'sno room for air, I can't breathe,
I would give a kingdom for one more day

I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, for just one more day

What the hell am I waiting here for, expecting you to come and give away your life
Just for a moment of my time, have a hole where I should have a heart,
I'm made of wood, I'm falling apart, I would give a kingdom if I only had you

I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a kind of your world
I'd give a kingdom, if I had a heart

I'd give it all for a heart
if I was a King I would give away my kingdom
Treasures and crowns wouldn't mean a thing
If I only had a heart, if I only had a heart...

Now I know I will never love you,
I'm a man withouta heart,
I'm not allowed to feel human feelings
I'm king of the land,
I'm a ruler of seas,
I'd give it away in a moment.
If I only had one moment

I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, if I had a heart
I'd give it all for a heart if I was a King I would give away my kingdom
Treasures and crowns wouldn't mean a thing
If I only had a heart, if I only had a heart...

<@@>

It has rain for the past 4 or 5 days...lovely weather. I like the dark days and the lighting. Beautifull for sleeping and being lasy. Even got a wednesday free to enjoy the cave. Luckly a bunch of movies on HBO Ghostship, Underword, Superman I, Dodgeball + the Rome series. One full day of just staying in bed, eatting sweets and enjoying myself.
Still trying to get the campaing going but work+players getting in the way. Hopefully will have better luck on the following weeks.
Everyone is trying to get me insane...well more insane but I think I can play dumb for a while. Hey it has work for 95% of the world it should work for me.
Gathering the strengh to start my life desire of writting with a purpuse...novel, short story, poems...who knows?

Cake yesterday at work, 2 gift today another cake before the end of the week...and my father havent figure it out yet. At least is nice to know people do care if I give them the chance. Ok I will admited it feels good. There that was my 5 seconds of hapiness.

Another Monday

What a boring weekend no Plan no nothing. The only High note VERY high note is The Exorcism of Emily Rose: Great movie, I love everything about it. Is not what I expected(thanks God!). Is like "Cronicas de una muerte anunciada" you know how is going to end but you want to know how you got there.
I shouldnt complain since I have pushed so many people away that I should be thankfull for the ones that remember my bday(even if my own father forgot about it). As a matter of fact some co-workers are still asking was is you bday on Friday? Yeah like i will joke/advertise it .

My life is what I have made out of it. It might not be pretty but I love it. Even when I am down I enjoy the solitude. I dont mind a ray of sunshine one in a while but I dont look forward to it or wait for ir, I just keep taking everything in. The good, the bad it makes no difference to me is just the trill of the journey. Destination? who needs one as long as there is a path, road, ocean, sky. I have the elf mind with the kender heart. So I keep walking.

Wanderlust by Nightwish

I want to see where the sirens sing
Hear how the wolves howl
Sail the dead calm waters of the Pacific
Dance in the fields of coral
Be blinded by the white
Discover the deepest jungle

I want to find The Secret Path
A bird delivered into my heart, so

It`s not the end
Not the kingdom come
It is the journey that matters, the distant wanderer
Call of the wild
In me forever and ever and ever forever
Wanderlust

I want to love by the Blue Lagoon
Kiss under the waning moon
Straying, claiming my place in this mortal coil
Riding the dolphins
Asking the mountains
Dreaming Alaska
The Earth can have but Earth

I want to find The Secret Path
A bird delivered into my heart, so

It`s not the endNot the kingdom come
It is the journey that matters, the distant wanderer
Call of the wild
In me forever and ever and ever forever
Wanderlust

Drown into my eyes and see the wanderer
See the mirrors of a wolf behold the pathfinder

B-DAY

So I was born on September 16, 1973. Today I turn 32...same thing as been 31. Is early in the morning but I dont feel to happy @ the moment. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better. NOTHING plan for my big celebration. This has been one hell of a week at work so I am only looking forward to get home and do like a beach whale. Thanks to my early callers: Mom, Viv, and Sony.

Every day I get a more real feel for the House. Even with all the garbage I am going thru with the remodelations I am beggining to care for the House. I am even watering the garden every, yes every night. I am gardening...gardening...every 2 weeks. I didnt knew I had it in me. Still looking to give the final touches in the living/dinning room. Lamps, painting, random pieces of art...still looking. Got more crap out of my mother's house...and now is everywhere in my house. I have cards from varios CCG actually I have a mountain of them. And of course instead of putting them away in a storage place I had to look at them..WHY? Now I have cards even in the Bathroom(dont ask). This weekend my task is to organize them.

More things I like.....

MOVIES

Neverending Story

First movie I felt in love with. Lets not talk about the technical stuff, lets just say that for the time it was made they were cool. The story...It is a story about a young boy named Bastian that takes a book from an old bookstore. Though it sounds badthat he would steal the book you soon find out that it was meant to be. He returns to his old school and hide farup in the attic away from everyone. With little food and little light he is scared but the Neverending Ending Storybook keeps calling his attention. Not realizing what he is about to do, he opens the book and begins not only toread, but to create "The Never Ending Story". From that moment on, Bastians thoughts and dreams becomea reality in a far away world called Fantasia. His vivid imagination takes him beyond the limits of the real worldonly to see his own self in another young boy called Atreyu. The adventure that unfolds will make your imaginationrun wild with joy, fantasy, hapiness, fear, saddness, just to be followed by the hope of his understanding who and what role he plays in The Neverending Story.

Things I like

The name of this Blog comes from one wonderfull song I heard like a year ago and felt inlove from the first note. The group NIghtwish, the song

Dark Chest Of Wonders
Once I had a dream
And this is it

Once there was a child`s dream
One night the clock struck twelve
The window open wide
Once there was a child`s heart
The age I learned to fly
And took a step outside

Once I knew all the tales
It`s time to turn back time
Follow the pale moonlight
Once I wished for this night
Faith brought me here
It`s time to cut the rope and fly

Fly to a dream
Far across the sea
All the burdens gone
Open the chest once more
Dark chest of wonders
Seen through the eyes
Of the one with pure heart
Once so long ago

The one in the Big Blue is what the world stole from me
This night will bring him back to me

Fly to a dream
Far across the sea
All the burdens gone
Open the chest once more
Dark chest of wonders
Seen through the eyes
Of the one with pure heart
Once so long ago

Last night I wrote the backgrounds for the new pc...what a rush. It has been a while since the last time I did something like that. Ideas were flashing everywhere the story revealed itself. Stories, modules, dreams, nightmares...if the party doesnt go anywhere at least I know I still have it in me.
Today I am supposed to receive a phone call from the contractor from Hell...wish I could close that chapter in my life.
At work I might be able to pull a coup but better not talk about it, for now.

Glad to see the volcano of emotions erupting like that, you think I cant handlle it?, give me your best shoot. I dont have pity for no one because I dont beleive in it. IS THAT CLEAR! and where was I when all this happend? Having my owm fucking life. Yes dear I do have a life with issues, problems, sadness, happiness...but you dont see me blaming anyone for MY mistakes I made a lot but I took full responsability for them. You want support: who was there when you were planning wedding #1? who had to keep silence and called G because you need it to be sure? who kept your hopes up? who was there during the unborn of wedding #2? who keeps having faith in you? I am guilty of been absent in the flesh if that is what you wanted sorry. But dont you dare say I havent been there for you. If all you base a friendship is physical contact then you are correct you have no one. I will let this pass as another of your tantrums(yes you do have many) and I will keep telling you what you need to hear not what you want to, ok.

WW

Friday went to Ponce to check some raw meat for D&D got 3 fighters a mage and a cleric at least the F got into the idea and went for an all Al-qadim character the M and the C went with something they think will be "powerfull"...kids. They look like an ok party at least they enjoy each other company we will see if this will develop into a campaing..or not as usual. COming back from Ponce called V....hmmm.....ahhhhh......what! ok dont know what the hell happend there but do not I repeat do not take on me what evercrap ppl are giving you. I can understand your frustraition + anger but of all the ppl I dont think I deserve to be in the resiving end of it. Come on at least this time is not between you and me :P

Saturday "pasaras por mi vida sin saber que pasastes" the only thing worth mentioning is the fact that I enjoy the FF movie. Just dont think of the comics


Sunday I work on the garden(more or less) , cleaned the house, wash the dogs and cook a gourment dinner just for me. Went window shopping to get more ideas for my house since now I know the space I will be decorating. Still trying to visualize the other 2 bedrooms but nothing clear yet.

still trying

Ok so since I move to Caguas I am becoming a movie addict/whore as you please to call it. I havent seeing so much crap since I was in 8th grade damn. When are they going to start making decent stuff. This Friday I am supposed to end my struggle with the f***ing contractor who end up doing nothing after 4 month. He is supposed to returm ALL the money so I can move forward with my life...if he doesnt well to court with it. So after 3 post I am going to tell some friends about this so they/you can keep track of me when I disappear for days/weeks/months well you know how I am.

almost

Ok so almost a month later here I am, well just a quick recap I am still trying to get my money back from the f***er contractor how is trying to screw me, havent made anything new to the house, evading getting into a deeper drepression and still trying to find something to do with my spare time.
To Kymill I just read your blog sorry you are feeling that way but see the light at the end of the tunnel(either in this life or the other). You have so much to give and you are waisting it on all the wrong places...anyway you have my shoulder to lean on.

1st chapter

So I try this once didnt like it, lets see if I can get it right now. For all of you who I hope can read this here goes a little of me.
Single(not looking thank you very much), 31 years old, puertorique~o and proud of it, starting a new life in a new house all alone for the first time in my life, workaholic, youngest/older brother from divorce parents and not a basket case(I hope).
Why am I doing this? To try and keep in touch with ppl I dont talk/write alot maybe they can get a hint of what is going on when I am not around. So feel free to drop a line or two maybe that will be the only way to reach me.
Hope to write soon