Dancing Penguins

This weekend was my so dreaded house cleansing...time to get rid of all the stuff that doesnt mean a thing but I still carried around. Letters, cards, pictures, papers(lots of them), books and many little things that had been kept for no special reason. I felt like I was trap in a gnomish contraption. I decided to work in multiple task since I couldnt finish one without another been in process...leave it to me to make a rollercoaster of cleaning a house. Sunday took the day to myself: prepared a fit for a King breakfast, watched cartoons in bed, fall asleep, wake up and went to see Happy Feet...maybe it was the alergy medicne but I laught a lot during the movie...then took myself to eat at Maccaroni Grill. Then to end the day went home took a bath and went to bed...then I realize the dogs havent eatten so got out of bed spend one hour feeding them took another shower and then went to sleep. I forgot that today is a Holiday here so I got up at 5am no cars in the highway showed me the errors of waking up so early so I arrive like 6:30 am to my office where I am sitting now writting this.

A House is not a Home

Oh well another Monday morning trying to get up to date with my so called life...Still in the finishing stage of the big fucking project I have been running the past 9 days. Hopefully I will be done by tomorrow...FINALLY. But my day to day is a little falling behind and I guess I will be catching up a few more days.
For some reason I am loking at places to by in San Juan and Rio Piedras. I am begining to enjoy my solitude but there is so much more I wanted to do with a house and although I think I live only 25 minutes from SJ(which I do) ppl think that is to far away and I kind of want to be a host more often.
Spend the whole weekend doing xmast cleaning...and still will be cleaning for the rest of the week. Why, oh why do I have so much crap in my house? Is only me, isn't? Whatever I decide to do I need my pack with me:Kalisto, Dimitri, Tarja(not mine, or is she?) They are the highlight of my day even if arrive tired playing with them relaxes me as much as going to the gym.
Almost 11am time to start the show...

Working 10 to 12 hours a day to finish a project has been quite fun. Changing the strategies to deal with the ppl I supervise, great idea. Have seen a difference in their attitude or maybe I am getting better at this. Boss=pig no more to say there. Sucks to go to interviews to find out they pay a misery, oh well.
New meaning to the word LIFE: Do not take for granted the little things that surround you.
Next year is the year of the Godfather...more on that later
My dream house was sold last week...it wasnt meant to be
lasy blog just to let ppl know I am well and alive

Darkness

No, it isn't that I am back into depression is that all I could stand for the past 2 days was darkness. My migraine took a turn for the lets fuck your brains until you bleed. Then after it was bleeding decided to cast a regeneration/fireball/permanency loop combo that shut me down for quite a while. Even the werewolfs notice since they behave when I went to fed them. Actually I think I heard them cry last night...will make time to pamper them this weekend.
Quick recap:
In the freak show that I call life. I am the ring master, always in the center, directing, entertaining, making everyone welcome, in the spot light, always with an inviting smile, surrounding by freaks I call family and expectators...but always alone in the center. I am bless to be appreciate by the ppl I am and all of them know(or at least I hope they know) how important they are in my life, but...there is always a but, I need to feel what some feel around me. I want to rest and know that someone is watching my sleep at least for a few minutes. I need to feel the fire burning in my chest with only a spoken word. I want to explore the bottomless pit knowing there is a light waiting for me at home...
There are jobs opportunities out there 2 to be exact, dont know if this is the right time or if they are the right jobs. Dont want to mess the masters or maybe I do...
Might go to jail if the F***ing contractor does not make an apperaing act...
really need to get the counseling/psi office up an running...much later
Thankgiving week screw due to my boss getting eye surgery...and plastic surgery, think I could convincethe doc to sew his eyelids?
Falling in love with some new lyrics+sounds(about time)
...some one once send me a message that I still keep everywhere, I think it summaries who I am...
If you ever feel like crying call me I dont promise to make you laught but I can cry with you
If you one day feel like not hearing anyone call me I promise to be very still
But if one day you call and I dont answer
come to my rescue maybe I need you

R

Almost getting there

Last night I got home stared the ritual of doggies, got wet since apparently was raining the whole day. I got the feeling they just wanted me to get sucking wet, even Kalisto was jumping on me instead of waiting for me to pamper her. After ending smelling like a wet dog, took a bath and went to the msn to see if my class mates had received the info I send them. For my surprise the Kender of my life was there, it had been almost 2 years since last we spoke(mostly my part I think), out of surprise I send a "Hi"...She answer back and we end up writhing/reading for almost one hour. It was like it was yesterday we had talk last. No ackwarness or hard feelings just a friendly conversation with the sassiness I expect from her but hidden agenda. After agreeing to not disappear from each other life we said goodbye. No sadness or feeling "what if?" just a plain exchange of words with a friend. Maybe that is all I need more ppl that are REALLY my friends. So maybe I will start the Get Reacquainted Crusade and get a hold of ppl that for some reason I let go.
Work...Why bother
Mother getting the 100,000 miles tuneup and a lot of things are getting out hope she will get good news when she gets out of the garage.
Father is in HYSTERICAL mode with the little men.

Master of puppets

I realize a few minutes ago that today is Wednesday...Wednesday...WTF!!!!! It seems that I have been working/studying for 5 days already. My mind is every where and now where. Need to read/review/prepare paper for 6 chapters, start working on final presentation that for this class is one individual and one group, big papa left the class due to medical conditions both his and wife, closing fiscal year got mess up thank to the BEST person I have in my charge(not ironic), emergency room project got me staying here until late last night and early this morning, have 3 due dates this week (why do I even bother to have a scheduler :P) and is only Wednesday. Not that I am looking forward the weekend since I HAVE to do the lawn >:( , watch dogs/cars(actually both together would be fun).
...Of course this means I am having a great time...
Esther...Or "I felt in love because you say hi" as I like to call her is in a psycho mood because I NEVER GAVE HER A CHANCE...wtf!---Morale:never talk/help ppl in distress better to let them disappear.
I will probably buy an AC to use on Sundays and that would be my day off. Just in my room playing video games and no contact with the outside world what so ever...hmm there is an interesting idea.
The plans for Orlando seems to be going down the drain sin Sony haven't confirm anything yet so I am looking for a cheap trip to do on November.

Sick

This time I am not sick of life or work I am plain vanilla SICK. Body aches, soar throat, running nose, sneezing, coughing and I think fever...Am I hallucinating? Left early yesterday from work got home no puppies or anything went straight to bed. Sleep until Almost 8 I think. The dogs were pounding at the window, yes they can do that, so I went to feed them, took a bath and went back to bed. Today came to work because I need to finish some things from college but depending on my mood/health I will leave early...
Being the Joda that I am no about the weekend past write I will, hmmm...

On Friday I got a call from Esther apparently I again overbook my schedule and I had forgot I told her we will go out that night. Told her I had two friends comings to my house and that I will have a raincheck on the date...I guess she is mad cause I haven't heard from her since. There was no way I was going to miss the witch/mage combo.Although they started their journey a little late I try not to go too deep into the Morpheum so I could hear the bells announcing their arrival. At almost 2am the wail of the banshee woke me up. After a few minutes of where the hell are you? The duo arrive at my haven. V is always a refreshing company I was a little esceptial about the mage since we haven't actually talk in years. Who knew? It was like we were in the floor of Chardon playing the old Ravenloft campaign. At least I didn't felt ackwa everything flew smoothly...A little too much since ewe end up going to bed at almost 4 am. Screw the ghoul tuneup.
Woke up...Is a mess here because even though I got up first they end up waiting for me. Got to Old San Juan and I have remember that no everyone likes to walk like me. So I made them walk from Doña Fela to la Plaza them to el Morro. The experience was incredible. The place could be in better shape but...Esto es Puerto Rico. The views, the chats and more walking lol I though V was going to melt at one point lol.
After that went to eat a HAMBURGER once again the duo kept the mood going :) Then made a mandatory stop for library(was closed), pet, moneyorder, and borders. Went home and send them or they marry(jejeje) way.
Great chemistry, love the way he treats her, love the way she looks at him I am happy for you both.
Sunday went to college to get some stuff I was suppose to do on Saturday. My boss called asking me ifIi had my employees home numbers so I could tell someone to com early...WTF on a Sunday morning no way Jose. No emergency just hisparanoiacc self.
Monday went to court to try solve theissue with the f***ing contractor, he agree in front of the judge to be done by December 15 2006..We'lll see.too much drama at work but guess what not about me YEYYYYYYY. Finally I am not part of the drama.College at night ahhh yeah I enjoy my group of collegebodiess and classes so what. I learn more of the ppl than of the class that day. And Tuesday I already wrote :P
The moral of the story is that everyone seems to be happy in our onw worlds and ways. Let the goodtimes role,

after b-day

33 yes the age of Christ....am I supposed to die now? Oh well I did have a great weekend: Friday I had a meeting wth my college buddies to discuss the final presentation on Chillis' between the margaritas and the smoking fajitas we got the job done. After went to meet some friends at the old Chit-Chat to play dominoes and have a drink. Saturday morning spend almost the whole mid day with my Mom buying a "bed in a sack" oh well, many calls to congratz 2 missing in action, you know who you are, and one special message that almost made me cry. It wasnt a happy birthday wish it was more of al the reasons I appreciate your friendship through all this years, many thanks. Saturday night had a date/hangout thingie not much to say but the food was ok :P Sunday treat myself to a great breakfast then to meet my father for brunch which turn out to be dinner 5 hours later...I get really pis when I am hungry...but after all the waiting ny younger brither was able to eat with us so it turns out be a night of open heart family bounding...Spend most of the monday finishing my solo project to my first masters class got an A , thank you very much, and I might have done some frienships in he meanwhile...still have 3 inviations for dinner and friends comming home this weekend. Gifts HELL YEAH! My gifts will be deliver as they come.
Got a phone call from the contractor he is supposed to be working at the moment in my house anyway we have a date in court on monday...
Work..NO COMMENTS

B-week

I am turning 33 this saturday, just another year hoping to get what I know I deserve...Not much plan, I have like 3 open invitations ...not bad compare to last year. I have been worring of having nothing to worry about...I know I need help. I am in a very good place inside and out. But this sensation of calmness in a little disturbing to be honest. I am getting paranoid waiting for "what will happen?" "when it will happen?". I feel like I need to be in a High note all the time to not think about the ifs...but my mind works in every direction...past, present, future(NO ppl I cant give you the loto numbers) But playing with possibilities is tiresome but fun. love/company/sex/laughter/support/compassion/understanding these are a few of the things I give/request from the person at my side...I have settle from time to time...thanks to my Logical Chip that I have to turn ON everytime. stability/safe/noleash/trust/confiability/tolerance these are the things I have settle for.
Need to feel alive from time to time. want to smile for a little longer.

Things do to this week:

Annoyed co-workers check
make boss look like a fool check
run office as I see fit check
do garden pospone until further notice
see finale of who want to be a superhero tonight
get migraine check
get piss hmmm....weird....nothing...hmmm

am I evil?

To watch the beast fall from the top up the mountain...nice
To be the one that push it...great
To be the one that build the mountain form which everything occurs...geniuos
To get the seat the beast left vacant...evil

No morals just the desire to inflict onto others what they have done to you.
The cheer joy of looking into the eyes of despair and defeit.
The sweet extasis of an enymies failure.
The Silence that Victory brings.


Passages from The Book of Storms by Coriolis


Today Coriolis rules the mind...not a bad thing. That means I am enjoying myself...maybe a little too much. If everthing falls into place I will decifer. If not let the riddles spin out of control. NOT ON DRUGS PPL.
Havent finninsh my first class nad already have the assignment for the first class of next course...:P I am loving it. Havent feel tired yet, havent done the garden yet, havent finish Suikode III yet, hevent receive Suikoden II yet...and yet I feel happy and more or less at peace. I have something in my life that gives me peace and rage. Weird, unhealthy, desperate, maybe...but what else a emotinal Agoraphobian like me could survive. Still the one emotion I want the most is not there as much as I want it to...hmmm Well you gice and you take. So far it has been a bumpy ride and I am still there...weirder.

This has been one of the weirdest week in a long time. Everyone in my circle is HAPPY yep actually smillling and laughing. I think this is the first time that this has happen in a very loooong time. I have a running joke that me and my friends are in a see saw one up another down but it appears we are all upo at the moment...or is it that I am on my way down...hmmm
Been very busy with college stuff still trying to get used to the idea I HAVE to work in groups. Besides that I think I could manange 2 classes but I will try to lissen to Viv and to not get compulsive about it. With the work experience I have at the moment I really enjoy the class dynamic, no competive behavior. We are learning from the proffesor and each other. Is a merge of ideas and concepts without envy or backstabbing. And ppl actually apreciated you if you make an intelligent comment. Why the real life has to be such a cut troat enviroment?

I Go To Extremes
Billy Joel

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
No I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Finally decided to get something here...as usual I will start ranting and lets hope we get somewhere...
I have feel great lately...guess that the reason I havent been here...I have found time to breath and be myself. I went and started my masters, they only gave me one class hopefully I will be able to get to classes for the next period cause I feel like I ma walking on the park. The policy of this college required to work on groups...WHAT? I will deal with it one class at a time.
My bitch gave birth...saddly the pups came sick so as yesterday none survive, now I am giving therapy to my manipulativer bitch so she can go on woth her life...she is really sad been crying a lot. Hope she doesnt commit suicide.
FINALLY went to Mayaguez to see Miss V house...great view love what she is doing with the place. She will have many little projects but I know she is up to it...if the money arrives lol.
Work..the only constant in my life...my boss sucks and apparently really good cause he still here with the nonjob he is doing. My co-workers well I am begin to feel like an island separeted from everyone. People only come to me when they need something or maybe is that since the incident with MV i have been avoiding too much contact with ppl. I decided to manage myself since my boss doesnt, I am deciding the projects I take and wich I am not capacitaded to to :P
Taking to some friends trying to get to know a few ppl not a social whore but a social creature.

Hello!!!

On the looong journey to discovery...still like RPGs, love sci-fi movies, series(getting back to Scifi Channel), fantasy novels(trying to finish one before going back to study), dogs, behaving like a dog, playing with dogs...get the idea? talking to ppl that like to talk back, music...I am trying to let a few persons into my circle of friends but I didnt knew how lasy I was at keeping in touch with ppl or maybe is that they bore me to death. The only speed dial of my life is V, Sony, Angel beside that i get sidetrack at calling back.
Managing a relationship and trying to enjoy myself...well is a pain in the neck. I love to be by myself doing nothing...that idea is out of the door when someone is around. I am always right, that is an Universal Truth...why is so hard to accept? :P,NOONE do something for nothing no matter how much they said they do, I have to deal with it. Fireworks only come on the 4th of july and new years eve everything else is just another monday.

Six o'clock already I was just in the middle of a dream
I was kissin' Valentino by a crystal blue Italian stream
But I can't be late 'cause then I guess I just won't get paid
These are the days when you wish your bed was already made.

It's just another manic Monday (oh-woe)
I wish it was Sunday (oh-woe)
'Cause that's my Funday (oh-woe)
My I don't have to runday (oh)
It's just another manic Monday.

Have to catch an early train, got to be to work by nine
And if I had an air-o-plane, I still couldn't make it on time
'Cause it takes me so long just to figure out what I'm gonna wear
Blame it on the train but the boss is already there.

It's just another manic Monday (oh-woe)
I wish it was Sunday (oh-woe)
'Cause that's my Funday (oh-woe)
My I don't have to runday (oh)
It's just another manic Monday.

All of my nights why did my lover have to pick last night to get down (last night, last night)
Doesn't it matter that I have to feed the both of us, employment's down
He tells me in his bedroom voice:
"C'mon honey, let's go make some noise" (ba ba ba baaaa)
Time, it goes so fast (when you're having fun).

It's just another manic Monday (oh-woe)
I wish it was Sunday (oh-woe)
'Cause that's my Funday (oh-woe)
My I don't have to runday (woe)
It's just another manic Monday (oh-woe)
I wish it was Sunday (oh-woe)
'Cause that's my funday (oh)
It's just another manic Monday.





THE BANGLES - "Manic Monday"

....from out of space

Dont want to sound angry or piss all the time but that is my nature. Even when ppl are nice to me I have this dont approach me face that many dont get. Actually I think I only laught, not smile but LOL with only one person, wish she was closer but that is life. For those keeping score I bought a car thank you very much...if I have it with me for a month I will post a pic ok! Still dealing with crap at work(reason why I am piss almost all the time), there is someone in my life(dont want to go into details at the moment) the contractor is missing in action(para vairar) and I am trying to keep in touch with my "friends" more often...more on that later(maybe)

Viv, Sony, Wil, Angel these are the only numbers I know by heart
Angel2, Mamushka, Esther these are the one I am trying to know
Sara, George, Daniel these I need to make an effort
J.R., J.J. those I want to forget

Have:
Best Friend
House
Job
Car

Wants:
Disney vac.
Egypt Trip
Go Broadway hooping
Someone to share it with

Trade:
Job
House

Need:
Time/Space to enjoy life

**Just a brainstorm hopefully NOONE will think I will kill myself***

Live To Tell The Tale
Nightwish

A single grain can tip the scale
Amidst the burden the scale will prevail
Showing what`s worth being here
Storyteller by a hearth of stone
A white little creature purring me
My childhood kingdom gone in time
The islands filling my mind with blue
The one in speacial, heaven's court

All the joy unforgiven by this task

An errant soul, homeless and foul
All gone but the will to
Live to tell the tale

The days are filled with anxiety
Frustration, one right note a day
Where to find a perfect tune
Just do the work and take a step back

All the joy unforgiven by this task

An errant soul, homeless and foul
All gone but the will to
Live to tell the tale

Dark chambers of my mind
Locked around the neck of my love
None of you understand
And it doesn't matter
To a broken marionette like me

An errant soul, homeless and foul

An errant soul, homeless and foul
All gone but the will to
Live to tell the tale

Oh how I hate mykind
Have it all
Yet wish to die

Not mykind but the kind as you are
Saints in Cain's mask
I love you
I just did

long day ahead

I have been in the office since 5am I am suppose to be at a tainning from 8:30am tp 5:00pm WTF!!!! oh well. I cant count on No one in my department to do the things that need to be done but I can always count on:
The Airhead to do everyhting with her feet and be stupid
The Parrot to be blabing all over the place
The ghost that do a lot of noise but is ethereal
The monkey...well to act like one

If it wasnt for the fact that I actually act as my own boss I will run...let me check my loto ticket...someone is a millionaire but not me...ok back to the issue The benefict I get out of my possitions are the only thing keeping me here. If I could put a dollar amount to be able to do as I almost please, to have the recognition of ppl outside the dpt and to be able to be bitchy and ppl have to deal with it I might be able to go to an interview with an idea of how much $$$$ I want. My tolerance levels are non existent and working with children is not helping. So From now on I will treat ppl as they deserve...

NO CAR AT THE MOMENT...dont want to talk/write about it.

need to find an outlet for my anger because I think is getting out of hand...

new day

Let me start by saying that I am not taking any pills or other control drugs...for some reason the black cloud over my head had left and I see a bright day in front of me. I guess is true once you hit the bottom the only way is up. I do have many things I want to do with my life, and to do some I have to put on hold others, that is the difference. Is not that I am discarting, negleting or dismissing is just putting on hold. I have a life to finish as many degrees as I please and if I dont then I will go with the ones I have. So is not a matter of being pull in difrent direction is a matter of having MANY goals in life. Too many...so what, is better than going walking like an undead. I forgot that I used to have many goals and once I reached one there was another, apparently I didnt though about it after college and getting a house. I NEED a purpuse to wake up in the morning I want to be able to look forward to next week or next year. I am going to plan, I am going to write a new story with another set of twist and turns.

How Will I Laugh Tomorrow
ST

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down
I cry for help but no one's around
Silently screaming I bang my head against the wall
It seems like no one cares at all
Always an emotion, but how can I explain
How can I explain
Kind of like the scent of a rose
With words I can't explain
The same with my pain
Caught up in emotion-Goes over my head
Goes over my head
Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death
Am I living or am I dead
The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think about all the times that I've had
So few good-So many bad
I search for personality and I look for things I can not see

Love and peace flash through my mind
Pain and hate are all I find
Find no hope in nothing new
Never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony
Thru my eyes that's all I see
If I'm gonna cry
Will you wipe away my tears?
If I'm gonna die
Lord please take away my fear
Before I drown in sorrow
Last thing that I'll say
How will I laugh tommorow
If I can't even smile today
Today today--when I can't even smile today
Today today--when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tommorow--when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tommorow--when I can't even smile today

Martes 13

First we have 060606 day now martes 13, I know for you northamerican is suppose to be Friday 13th but here in Latino land we beleive martes 13 is the bad luck day...why did I get out of my house? with the luck I am having lately I shouldn't take any risk. Anyway I did the summer cleaning of the House now if the weather permits I will do the garden this weekend. Finish FF X-2 not too trill about it the game kind of sucks compare to FF X. Maybe is me but the story lines are getting kind of borring. Will try to read more until August since I am meeting people that actually know something about literature. The only person I can talk about some intelectual stuff is Miss V or maybe she is the only person that gets me. Or maybe I am the only person that gets her who knows.

Don't Stop Being Crazy
Helloween

You're the one I would pick out in a million
You're the one I would wish for as the friend of my life (life)
If the whole world decided for a colour
Would pixels be any different in you (you)

Brave and smart against the rules
You smile upon the fools
I'll follow where you go
I want you to know

Don't stop being crazy
Wherever you go
Don't stop being crazy
It's a lie
It's a lie
It's a lie we could not learn to fly
Oh no
Don't stop being crazy

When you walk you walk higher than the others
When you talk you talk merciless the bothering truth (truth)
Everyone seems remote-controlled nowadays
Only you have a frequency far beyond their ways (ways)

Still that strong you walk alone
Don't wonder where they're gone
I'll follow where you go
I want you to know

Don't stop being crazy
Wherever you go
Don't stop being crazy
It's a lie
It's a lie
It's a lie we could not learn to fly
Oh no
Don't stop being crazy (crazy)

Still that strong you walk alone
Don't wonder where they're gone
I'll follow where you go
I want you to know

Don't stop being crazy
Wherever you go
Don't stop being crazy
It's a lie
It's a lie
It's a lie we could not learn to fly
Oh no
Don't stop being crazy

06-06-06

Just in case this really was the D day I decided to go away again. I had a blast sleeping, eatting, bathing in the beach(I said BEACH). No shitting actually, for some reason my touchie likes it at home...err anyway. It was nice to get away from everything in a place were no one knows who you are. I got myself a nice tan also. Hopefully the felling will last a while. If not well I have plans of making more ME time along the year. I am really considering doing a masters/Ph in psycology. I can put all my mind tricks to a good use. I though about the lawyer thingie but do I really want to start building a firm at 35? The thing is I might have to wait until next year to do that so I can have a few payments ahead on the house. Also if things turn out my way I might go to Egypt or India ....OK Egypt but I want to go for at least 3 weeks so I can take my time to enjoy everything...just if.