long days

I had been a little lazy or full of too much crap to write. The situations around are still very chaotic. I am trying to cope with too many variables that are out of my control. Tired of dealing with unstable ppl around me. I am either in the wrong place or in the wrong state of mind. Maybe I will do a start over...
No helping hand, no simpathetic ear, no words of encoragment...I am as always on my own. That I am strong does not means I do not need a shoulder to lean on once in a while. It is crazy to depend on my dogs for moral support. And sometimes that is the only support I get. I do not know how much worth it is to keep the track I am...
Tired of this void inside that nothing or noone can fill. Maybe is a void that noone has try to fill. All I know is that is there and is growing every day. The bigger it gets the less I care about fixing it.

another to the list

Just when I though I had ran out of I am sorry...I am really sorry for defending co-workers and trying to proof that they are doing their work. I am sorry to trust they will cover my back beacuse I had covered theirs. Why the hell will I go out of my way to make sure you have all the tolls require to do a task so the day before a big implementation they tell me I forgot...WTF!!! Stupid asshole, you should had done your freaking job, you should had said I will stay and finish it, you should had show some kind of fidelity but nooooooooo. You choose the easy way out. You choose to be one of the mass and as one of them you should be treat it.

monday 2/4

Another week stared and I am in the same crap state of mind. No light at the freaking end of the tunel, well actually no end of the tunnel. Spiriling down into a black hole is more like it. What is the use of it all? Why try to do more when less seems the logical choice. I am just plain tire. Not physically but emotionally drain. It seems I am surrounded by emotional vampires that can not move on unless they take someone else energy.
Sorry I haven't help with the moving but have anyone stop and ask how do I feel? Is not easy to help someone put a few miles between us. How do you think I feel when I have to take every freaking memory away and leave empty space? To replace a pseudo relationship with a cell one is not what I expected at this point in my life. Yes I had been absent but had you ask why?
Sorry I did not when to visit at the Hospital, sorry that your sons think so little of you that they did not went to your bed. I had been there thru the whole separation process. I had witness the crash and burns. I had help with the rebuilding. But right now I can't or won't be there. I need time to fix myself before I can even consider lending another hand.
I am not sorry for my disappering acts because those are the ones that recharge me inside and out. My tolerance levels are very low with a tendency to zero. maybe tomorrow I will see another angle but today that is all I got.

RUSH
"Nobody's Hero"

I knew he was different in his sexuality
I went to his parties as a straight minority
It never seemed a threat to my masculinity
He only introduced me to a wider reality
As the years went by, we drifted apart
When I heard that he was gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

But he's nobody's hero
Saves a drowning child
Cures a wasting disease
Hero...lands the crippled airplane
Solves great mysteries
Hero...not the handsome actor
Who plays a hero's role
Hero...not the glamour girl
Who'd love to sell her soul
If anybody's buying
Nobody's hero

I didn't know the girl, but I knew her family
All their lives were shattered in a nightmare of brutality
They try to carry on, try to bear the agony
Try to hold some faith in the goodness of humanity
As the years went by, we drifted apart
When I heard that she was gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

But she's nobody's hero
Is the voice of reason against the howling mob
Hero...is the pride of purpose
In the unrewarding job
Hero...not the champion player
Who plays the perfect game
Hero...not the glamour boy
Who loves to sell his name
Everybody's buying
Nobody's hero

As the years went by, we drifted apart
When I heard that you were gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

But he's nobody's hero
Saves a drowning child
Cures a wasting disease
Hero...lands the crippled airplane
Solves great mysteries
Hero...not the handsome actor
Who plays a hero's role
Hero...not the glamour girl
Who'd love to sell her soul
If anybody's buying
Nobody's hero