Getting my feet wet

It has been a while since the last time I choose to write something. And it surprise me that not much had change in 5 years. My pack still around with minor changes. Music still moves me in all directions. I still have my ups and downs but I am still here. I am in a different job. I am still neglecting friends in a big way. I discovered to I have a strong affinity to beer. For all my tech savvy I am not that into social media. I have all the accounts but don't use them that much. Today I just felt like getting back to write, rant or read myself. Too much responsibilities an little fun. I need to get back to basics. The little things that means so much to me. If I am going to be a hermit I might make the best of it.

-.-

This weekend was a WoW free weekend, I decided to take some days off the game to start focusing in other areas of my life, yes gaming IS part of my life. So I went in druid mode taking care of some plants that I had neglected for too long. I will see if I still had the touch because a few of them are on the edge of passing to a better life. I was so into plants that I went to Caguas and brought a few from there. Is not the same to have them on pots but is better than leaving them to whitter and die. First I will rehabilitate the roses then I will go crazy with cactus. Even the plants I like have thorns lol.
The dogs where piss since I was outside and not with them, specially Aku who went back at biting once I entered their territory. Kalisto is still nursing her 6 puppies and they are beginning to eat out of her bowl. I had never seen her so motherly in all the years she had benn with me...could this be her last batch? maybe she knows I plan to get her fix. I really do not want her to go thru another birth. Although once I can find a good place I can have more of them I will get them somewhere. Ppl think it is hard work taking care of them but hey! since I do not have kids to take to school, do homework, educated(no training for the dogs) and the such I do have enough time to dedicate to them and they sure appreciated my slaving over them lol.
I do assume ppl won't need me or won't miss me. I just want to say thanks for reminding me I need to keep in touch because we are friends, because we care, or just because. I really need to put more effort on not neglecting friends when they are friends. I have two or three close friends but I have to internalized that I might have more friends than I dare to admit.

:@

Finally this week is over!! Although I do not any plans for the weekend to come I look forward to have some lazy time, hopefully. I just want to be there rotting in the sofa/bed for hours watching crap TV and letting my mind drift to never land. Sometimes I need a shutdown period.
My bitch Kalisto gave birth to 7 pups. Six red as her mother and one completely white. So far all of them are alive and six are healthy the last one is so tiny that I am not sure if it will survive. So every morning and afternoon I am the one making sure that little one gets some milk. Compare to the others six she is like 2 weeks behind. NO I am not falling in love with another dog, for now. Their eyes are still changing but one of the males is going to be a carbon copy of Kalisto, red/brown hair with gorgeous blue eyes. The others I am not sure until a few more days how the eyes will be. After the previous birth, that Kalisto ate all of them, I am surprise how motherly she is been with this batch. She is getting paranoid now that they are starting to walk/crawl away from her. She is in good condition and eating like a horse :S
This week I was happily put on my place for neglecting Valentine's day. I though it was not important, that you just did not care but you do...Who knew? I though I had you figure out and then you come to hit me with that backlash, ouch! nice! I will go back to my attention to details that I had let go off. I am glad you noticed that I was lacking but I am happier that you care enough to let me know. Are you a masochist? Why do you put with all my crap? Not that you are so easy to handle yourself...What do you gain from me? What do I get from you? Of all the ppl in my life are you the one to be there for me? Of all the ppl in your life am I the one to fill your needs? You know I can not be tame or cage, I know you can not be change...and knowing that we still here. Why I write this because you do not know about it. Maybe one day I will let you on this secret. But for now it will be here and maybe there for when the time is right.

-.-

It has take me a while to decided if I want to continue wrtting adn after some time off I think I might. Still not sure where I want to take this blabbing but at least I can get some stuff out of the system.
How can I ask of you to listen when you are dealing with such a responsability. My meaninless complains are shadow by your unafair circunstances. It was fun to played ball with each other so called "issues" but how can I be of any help when my hands are tie. I feel helpless and that bothers me so much. Is frustaiting to not be able to be the bra I am supposed to be. My only consolation is that you have the mage by your side. A guy that everyday gains more and more my admiration and respect. On the other hand you had made me realize how pity I can be at times. You have teach me so much over the years and even though ppl will never understand why or how we still friends I just now we are. Saying goodbye to have you a trip away had been harder that you can imagine. Stopping myself from calling just to chat when I am bored a nightmare. Yesterday I said goodbye to my brother becasue he is joining the armed forces and it did not move me as much as saying goodbye to my friend, her hobby and their baby. A big part of me was going away and I could not stop it. Bt I knew it had to be done.
At the same time my other sister was solid on her marriage and her new life. For which I was happier than a dog with two tails. But that meant sacrifying time spend togheter and leaving her protetion to someone else. Understanding that she no longer need it protecting took a lot out of me but I was confident in her choice and he has been a great man to her.
Having too much time to myself left me no where to go but inside. Not to hide but to reconnect and redefine. I stared a long and hard journey which had taking me everywhere from hell to heaven. Which I might write later on.

Mid of Feb

Finally got my green light form the physician. After weeks of tests and buckets of blood been drain out of me we discovered that I am fine...I just have a lazy bone marrow. Due to my last “dengue” my bone marrow took a vacation and apparently it takes a while to get up to where is supposed to be. But since I work on an Medical Institution I can not afford to wait for the bone marrow to decide to come back from vacation. They gave me a type of steroid to bust my system and shock my bone marrow to work normal. I got a big scare from my head physician when he decided, without my concern, to ask for an Oncologist for a second opinion. The oncologist send me to do 18 tests! And all the kept writing under reason for exam was leukemia. The waiting is the worse part. So many thoughts go thru your head. All the what if? How would I? ...all that is in the past now and I had my 50,000 miles check up lol.
My mother is getting married to her partner of 35 years on her birthday...it was about time. Everyone is making a big fuss about it. I was hopping for a ceremony with a selected group of friends/family and a nice celebration but nooooooo leave it to my family to turn a special occasion into a “fiestas patronales”. Everyone and their pets is invited...”How can I leave anyone out?” the colors will be dragish eastern bunny, the food asopao de 3 carnes, the ceremony will be in the luxury community center of a “residencial”. And the best part I have to be there. At least I only have to pay for the wedding dress, probably the grooms and my brothers cloths, and just smile for the pictures.
On much better news, I have the dog from hell as my new puppy. What did I expected when I named him Aku? Only 3 months old and he is getting huge, I have a feeling he is a puertorrican mix lol. I had bought him 5 different toys but he still enjoys chewing me...pants, arms, legs, fingers...when I wore short sleeves ppl think I had a fight with a woman. Hopefully he will out grow that face...soon. It is funny to see the old ones requesting attention and the puppy demanding it. Now Loki is getting more territorial with me. He literally jumps into my lap and keeps everyone at bay. Poor Dimitri still the silly puppy just wait for his turn and the matron Kalisto well she just knows I will go to her.
I am leaving for North Carolina next week for training. I will be there for a week learning the structure of the new system’s table. This is the first face of the conversion, start your engines.

December is here

Sometimes we forget or ignore the blessings that are bestow on us. We tend to waste time on meaningless drama instead of appreciating the important elements that surround us. Last week it was Thanksgiving and for the first time in years my mother, my stepfather, my older brothers and me sat...actually sat! at the table to eat. Johnny gave a little prayer and we ate, we talked and we laughed. No matter how far you try to run away, in moments like this you notice all the details that forge you as a human being and you remember all the good times. For a few hours I did remember the dinners, the parties, when there was only one TV and we all jumped in bed to watched it...My family might drive me insane sometimes but I do have precious memories with them. All the important cast arrive to ate and a few new ones also appeared.
After an afternoon of beer and domino I went to my father's house. There was the whole crew, I mean my aunts and their families. I stayed there until 12:30am so I guess I was having a good time.
Friday I had the spontaneous idea of going to Old San Juan...for some reason the major decided it was a good day to decor so the streets were closed. Still feeling adventurous I decided on Saturday to go visit a new place in Barranquitas "Aviones". It is a restaurant on the mountain with two huge airplanes and a control tower. With just a road map I took off. First let me tell you there is NO easy way to get to Barranquitas...why so many curves did not they knew back then that the closest route between two points is a STRAIGHT line, damn. After almost 3 hours looking for the place I arrive. When you can hear the roar of people talking you know something is not right.
Me: How long for a table?
Guy: two and a half hour to sit
Me: What?!
Guy:Oh, and another hour and a half to eat
Me:...
By the time I was able to react I was in the car with directions to the "shortest" route. As I said there is no easy way to get in or out. at least I know where the place is.
It was a pleasant weekend I even surprise myself with been away from WoW for 3 days.
I will fulfill my quest on Barranquitas and San Juan but I think I will bring victims next time.

After 80

I took a week of from work to behave as I had not behave in years...I played, I slept and ate. Nothing more for 7 days. It was heaven to be able to act as the kid I am. Days like that are better than traveling. Been able to go into the far end of gaming and forget about the outside world. Without regrets or remorse just the satisfaction of the game. Now that I cap I will discover the new realms until more get to my level and I can do Dungeons.
Thanks to the climate going down the dogs have a great fur. they look so freaking cute...I am in a good mood...Kalisto is shedding all the light hair and her brownish red hair is coming out. Dimitri looks very handsome with all the collar hair and little Loki...well he will look good anyways. Secretly I am looking for the missing link in the pack...a black dog but shhhhhh do not tell anyone.
This is a three days work week so hopefully it will go without any mayor event. I want to see how long can I work without blowing a fuse lol.

Numb again

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to not be control by a primal instinct...sometimes you just let go so the basic needs arise. At this point in my life that the economy is stuck and sinking is better to not feel too many things around. Is not a moment to make rush decisions or to behave like me. : P I am trying hard to just not let many things get to my way. A time out is in order and hopefully I will take it on November. Honestly I understand why ppl go to psychiatric centers to get hospitalize for weeks...sometimes you just want to disconnect from the world. Actually they should encourage ppl to take a nice Psy vacations. Where they will give you shelter, food and medications for one or two weeks. I am even willing to sacrifices my tech stuff...then I will really need medication lol.
On reality I am taking a day off from PC every week. The first day was boring and frustrating. The second time was too productive. I finally got to do things I had procrastinate for too long. At the end of the day I actually just want it to sleep. Did I miss been in front of the monitor? Yes. Did I die? No. Was it worth it? Yes. I knew one day I would use human subjects for my experiments just did not knew it would be me lol. Maybe I can add another day but I won't push it.

rainy day and at work

In the inactive state that I call Life I had neglected a few important facts in my surrounding. Even for me that is too impolite. I am still making adjustments to changes and environments. The problem is that the more I adapt the more it seems I am standing still. For some reason I feel like I am in hamster cage running in the same place. Maybe that routine is what makes us enjoy the highlights of our life; maybe I am just a junkie and need strong stimulus to get myself high. Do not get me wrong I do have a nice life is just that the routine gets to me. Doing the same steps every day gets annoying after a while. On the other hand I am a force of control...without it I am lost and confuse. It has taken me a lot to let loose just the few inches I have. I hope that is enough to begin.
I am glad I did not took the trip to see Nightwish/Sonata because NW cancel like 7 shows in a row...could there be troubles in paradise? So that money will be use to a get away...not saying where...to take a breather.

Last day of September

It has been over a month now that I have been living in SJ and I am still happy of the choice I made. I do have to make some effort to provoke more dinamics around me. Not been on the road for 3 hours has cut on my cel time since once I get to the House I do not have the cel with me all the time...long ago I made the resolution to not be bound by that little contraption. I am trying to schedule call time during the nights...is not like there are so many ppl to call but it would be nice to have a chat or two. I will have to start dragging myself out of the PC to actually enjoy the reasons I decided to move to SJ. Is just that been sitting in front of the PC is such a comfy place. It can be as familiar or chaotic as I decide...but I do want more out of life. So on October I will try to change my rutine a little. I will star by getting back to my first love, reading...what did you expected? I do want to expand my knowledge base and to reconect with those late nights. And I think I do have the perfect catch to motivate me.

Monday

This weekend just went by real fast. Nothing out of the ordinary. The only relevant thing is that I am finally got some time out of WoW to played other games...what did you expected? Is a lifestyle after all. I should not be bound by A game when there is a pletora of worlds to explore, maidens to save and creatures to smash. Although there is an extra satisfaction of beating toon control by a human...I know I have issues.
Last week I went to the house at Caguas to pick up a few things. The tenants rearranged the outdoors and it actually look nice. The are taking good care of the house and its enviroment. I do miss the tranquility of the House but when I add the time I am sleeping, the gas reduction, having everything close...I do think I won't be going back to Caguas. I do not know if i will change my mind after the contract is done but at this time I do not miss the traffic, the 4:30am wake up call, the hour and a half drive to rest...still it was my first cave but not the last.

2 months in a flash

A new House, a new beginning. Leaving the safety net of my Cave and launching myself into the maelstrom of variables not control by me. Familiarity is a thing of the past, delimit territory no more. Is just a process of sharing and learning. My moving was done in matter of days; I think that has been the fastest change I had made in my whole life. I am a force of Control and Stability...I do not deal well with changes and worse yet with drastic changes. I do not know if all have settle in or if in a few days or week I will be in sync with my new environment. Dogs are like children they adapted so quick it was not even funny. Well hey do have a larger area with much more sunlight...poor Loki. Although they were having issues eating making me feed them manually...yes they are my babies! Now they are eating better, and digging, digging, digging. I really do not know what I will do without them. They are my therapy, companions, support group and even chat partners.
Having my life in a room is not something new, even in my house I used to live in my room. Is just choosing and discarding that is taking a tool. Realizing the things I have not used in the past 3 years and that should be put away or even throw out. Trying not to see, the sentimental value but the realistic problem of space.
On the plus side I am sleeping over 2 hours more, and playing like 1 hour more...is like my day got longer lol. I also move to an Hispanic server with all the dudes I know on WoW and reading/hearing the different accents is a riot.
On the last day of moving I was supposed to get on an airplane to visit my brother in Fl but AA cancel and the trip was change to Saturday. It was an enjoyable trip except for the visit to the Gator Park....did everyone forgot I have Herpetophobia? Apparently so...How the HELL did Moonfox creep out of a swamp? ...the only good part was the running under the rain in the airboat and the guide. I Had a good change to interact with my nephew and nieces. There is another!! Gamer in the family and is my oldest niece. She is very good at car’s games.
Back in PR things were a little chaotic still. Boxes, cramp space, computer crashes, unsolicited opinions...things that just do not help to improve a delicate situation.
Overall I do think I made the right choice. The purpose of moving to Caguas was accomplished and now I can move onto new and better environments. And hopefully be more in touch with friends and family.

Renew

Do not question me if you see me gloomy, mad, piss or sad. Understand that is ME is not a phase is not a specific situation is just the way I am. Realize I live my life that way and I do not care. I do have a few moments of enjoyment and very few moments of real joy. I will always see the glass half empty, I will always rain on anyone parade if I do not agree with it. I am not a grumpy old man s just my behavior. I do not have to be like everyone else and pretend, I show how I feel. I express my though in a way that ppl can not misunderstand them. If you find that hurtful is not my problem, go and grow a thicker skin. Yes, I do get depress a lot and for many reasons...and I will accept that is an issue I need to resolve. I live my days one minute at a time. I do not choose to be a certain way I just adapt to circumstances.
I had spend a lot of time on WoW since is my only source of entertainment. The dynamics there are like in RL. I had a feeling of familiarity with some toons and they have it with me. After a few months in the same place you have the opportunity to establish a reasonable amount of comrade with others toons. In time some of those toons turn into ppl and you get to share moments that transcend the game. As is my luck those ppl live in the State but at least is something. I am finally getting the balance between game time and real life. Thanks to the head set I have neglected some RL friends...I only have 2 ears lol
The house is a mystery still so as soon as I make a decision things will happen.

The 3 questions

This week I had my second interview with the Psi/Coach that the administration brought to the office to help us. She just went and explained my profile and how ppl see me. No big surprise there...on the good side they see me intelligent, competent, good with results, trustworthy, good leader...I might believe it. On the negative side they see me as explosive, not a team player, inaccessible...cry babies. We spend like 2 hours talking about strengths and weakness of my profile. She told me all the areas of grow I could have if I decide to give her a chance. That is a big IF because I like the way I am and I enjoy the reaction ppl have to me so if my co-workers cant deal with me that is their problem. The only thing I got out of that meeting was a little anger management exercise I want to try. She explained to me that when I feel anger I am actually dealing with three different emotions which are Pain, Fear and Frustration. So she told me I should try whenever I feel anger to ask myself: Why am I hurt? Why is this frustrating me? What do I fear from this? Since I am an analytical person that should bring me to a point where I can separate the emotions from the fact and I should be able to not explode on ppl and really resolve issues instead of just bury them. The fun will be to try to ask myself those questions before I reap a head off lol.

Back to Abnormal

I has out of commission for a week thanks to a virus that kept me down with fever and body ache. I had to cancel the trip to Fl because of it and spend the whole week sweating and shivering. The prescription was rest, liquids, 2 Tylenols every 4 hours and more rest. So this past week has been a blur of waking moments and cold showers. On the plus side my mother went home and did a Tornado cleaning every time I woke up she was in another room doing something else. And yes I had my sickly soup.
Today I am back at work. Nothing has change everything is the same. Still no news from LaLa Land. The smell of fear is on the air but no sings of hope in the near future.
A little progress in WoW which is not bad for shorts periods of playing. Found a nice guild with a few interesting ppl. At least now I can write to someone while I wait for BG.

Letter to Willie

When I first meet you I was glad I had someone to talk about Reality TV, and some obscure TV shows no one seems to know in the Island. We almost never agreed on many things but the discussions were always interesting. With you I played my first Wii game. Man how many time did I bet you that day? Beginners’ luck you said. Thanks to you I was able to catch up with some series you been the DVD whore had a great collection of them. You were one of the few people I allow myself to visit and it was always a joy to chat and spend time with you, the Wii, AI, Heroes….As I usually do with my friends I didn’t call in a while. Then I saw the promotion on the finalist for AI. I called and left you a message on your cel. Next week I called and left another message saying I was sorry for been so distant. The night of the AI finale I called sure you had to be in front of a TV…the machine didn’t allow any new message because it was full. A few days later I called again and there was a message saying the cel was not accepting more calls. The next day surfing some friends profiles in Facebook I saw your picture so I immediately went to your profile. The posts I read told me what I need it to know. You had pass away a month ago. I am sorry I could not said goodbye, or at least be a real friend and be there when you need it. Now you are with God teaching him how to use those wireless controls and telling him why he should send Simon to hell. I will not miss you because the memories of our time together are happy ones. And I know you lived life to the fullest. Rest with angels my friend

Is the year over??

Crashes and power surge at work had made for two interesting weeks. Dealing with the fact that some equipment can not be reconected to the system after is shutdown...priceless. Managing the fact that I do not have enough PCs to replace the ones that are out of date...frustrating. Is like trying to feed Africa with a truck full of can beans and no can opener around. I had been working my you know what for 15 days, and I have to give credit to my Staff great support and no complains...even I am surprise by the way they are behind every juggernaut decision I am making. So I might have to get another lunch just for my 5 stars. I am still consume by the decision of leaving this place but if nothing here is going to change I have to. I do not know for how long I will deal with this but I am trying. Although I already decided that if I have to lose the house so be it. That house has been nothing but issues to beggining with. Maybe like my first car that is not the house to make me happy. But I need it the experience so I could find the real one.
Getting out of a deep depression with out professional help or medicine has been quite a journey. I am not sure if I am completly out of it but I think I am seeing clearer skies. I am only greatfull for the things I do not have at home: guns, anti-depresants, insectiside, sleeping pills, gas stove, HIV whore...damn I did though about it! The point is some nights are better than others. Some walking moments are sharper than others. Some mirages are easier to detect than others. Hopefully I wont erase this...
Summer is here and my only thoughts are that I can get out of bed one hour later and no traffic...SOme plans for September and maybe vacations on November if WotLK comes out. My only source of entertainment is WoW for now and even that is getting old fast. Still everything block at office so I am trying to go into some pages at home...and doing a lousy job at it.

Netherland

In what seems to be an eternal struggle I am still trying to sort the thoughs in my head. Although some things had been solve for me and it has been for the better. I might be able to pull another year if I continue like this. I moght find some glimmer of purpose to keep on going a little while. Or in the blink of an eye I can take a U turn. Life has a way of teaching us what we need to know. Even if the lesson is a hard and cruel one. Each day is an opportunity to discover a new reality, a new lie, a new begginng. Is the journey that matters to the Wanderer, so for now I will try to do just that, enjoy the view. Like a walk thru the woods if I do not like one scene I can look the other way to see something else. I had payed to much attention to insignifant details and missing the Big Picture. Do not know how far I will get on this road or for how long but I need to believe there is a reason, I need to know there is a destination, I need to find if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

New Hardware Found

After a few months of getting shit all over I decided to get away for more than a day, so I took 2 weeks off. Well no actually vacations but a change of enviroment and reality. I went back to a time when I Belived...when I though life was worth fighting for...a time when idealist could rule...dreamer. It was an experience long over due.
Work...why bother just the same crap with more ppl on the mix
House...well mix feellings about it. Some days I want to stay and be there enjoying the silence. Sometimes I just want to sell it and look for a smaller place where I can have my dogs.
I had been reconecting and disconecting with ppl around me. It is time to take care of all the waste of space around me. It is time to clear my surroundings and take a stand. I choose a long time ago to kept going so it is time to make it on my own terms.

My Dream's But A Drop Of Fuel For A Nightmare-Sonata Arctica

My painted face, I'm a clown,
and I'm laughing while my dream turns into a nightmare,
fade away, I'm asleep,
not too deep...

The walls of night have left me scarred
the broken glass I stepped on, twice.
the ardent spirits' rusty edge, decapitate me...

I can't sleep, fear darkness
go through the motions, did I fall asleep?
I'm bowling, the old nine pin, a sign unwanted...

Now I'm a target, I'm hot and frozen,
stormy rain I'm stuck in an elevator
wet from the muddy water,
breathing hot air, winds convey me...

bababababaaaa...
the number talks and I cry in my own Hell....
bababababaaaa...
Wide awake, I'm asleep, see a friend as a ghost

I'm skating with a seal,
the tarantula, the fly, the broken ring
the dusty little flea
an ugly giant, a disappointed child

here comes a rabid snake
the broken violin, a wild ballet
Shakespeare and company
refuse to kill the kitten scratching me...

I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling... - awake

You know, if you believe the dreams, the nightly visions, worlds entwined
then you also fear your shadow, paranoia, part two...

All the good things in my life dwell in my mind
Took a wrong lane, every day, I hear myself say
Sickening's this feeling, my life, my hopes, my dream's but a drop of fuel for a nightmare

they all turn out the same
My destiny, my flame
believing is control?
no.
the painting comes alive,
takes me inside a world without a name, a place beyond compare

Believe the dreams that let you sleep
the broken glass you need to sweep
The book you read; if you found an explanation
to help you in any way,
you are your own prison.

Woke up today,
the good and the bad and the ugly dreams are gone
...jumped off the carousel

Revelations

The past two weekends had been quite interesting. One of my brothers is helping me finish all the things the F contractor never did. What is the relevance? That brother had been the black sheep all his life. To the point I did not even acknowledge him for over 4 years. He had been a pain to my mother since he was 15 and now is reaching 50. Suddenly after my mother retired he change. He is clean now, taking care of himself and even getting along with our stepfather. If he was willing to change so was I. After a few months of lowering my guard I decided to ask him to come and work on my house. Not only did he accepted but my other brother and my mother jumped in the wagon. So for the past two weekends I have had the weird experience of becoming a real Family Guy. Working on the garage, on the garden and cleaning the house. They are like ants and loud as gorillas, but all in all they are my family...damn it took me 30 years to accept that. I think they are the only group of ppl I will ever feel attach to. My mother has been radiant since it had been years, many years, since her sons had spend time together with her at the same time without a funeral been involve. And the fact that the work in the house is getting done is a plus bonus.